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July 2, 2010 / multiplesclerosis1209

Feeling Better!!

I’m actually feeling better today.  What a relief!  After my husband got home last night I broke down a little and cried.  He just held me tight and apologized that I have to go through all of this.  He is beyond amazing.  I do ok at home alone all day because my uselessness only affects me but once he got home, I realized how little I could help with.  He worked a 12 hour day yesterday and then came home and had to help around the house.  It killed me.  So I cried.  I was so bad yesterday that I didn’t even want to take a shower until he got home just in case I fell.  Today I am feeling much better but I have learned that just because I feel good doesn’t mean that I should overdo it.  When I overdo it, I’m down for a few days.  Finding the balance here is difficult.  I’m trying to not feel lazy through all of this but I HAVE to limit my activity now.  There is no choice.  My body gives me my limits and I can’t argue.

I called Social Security today and apparently Hubby makes too much money for me to qualify…and he doesn’t actually make enough to support both of us.  I can still be granted some Disability so I filled out all of that paperwork.  I never thought that at the age of 31 I would be applying for Social Security and Disability.  When people told me to back in January I was too proud to apply.  I was still believing that the MS wasn’t that bad.  I don’t want to sit at home and not work.  I want to freaking work, but I just can’t do any of the jobs that I am trained to do.  My body and brain won’t allow it now.  I’m a worker, not a brainiac so maybe I should go back to school and learn some sort of computer trade.  I’ve always worked with my hands and now I can’t do physical labor…and I HATE SCHOOL!!  Ugh.  And I was looking forward to getting out of town but now I wonder if going to see the family is going to stress me out.  My folks and my brother and his family next door to each other and usually we go back and forth between houses.  I can’t do all that walking right now.   I know they will understand but it just makes me have to talk about how I’m feeling.  I’m getting tired of talking about it.  My family is curious and concerned and I just wish they would read my (other) blog so I don’t have to go over details with each of them.  I want to sit and relax but Hubby will be doing work on the property (it’s where our wedding is going to be) and I hate not being able to help him.  At least I’ll have two of my dogs with me to hang out in the yard with (they’re not allowed in my parents house) and I have to say that I am excited to have some extra time with my amazing husband.

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