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July 25, 2010 / multiplesclerosis1209

Cog Fog

I haven’t been posting much this last week probably because I’ve been feeling a little better and actually getting things done outside of the house.  I’m pretty sure I’m still in my relapse, at least I hope I am because I do not want this to be my new “normal”.  I have my MRI scheduled for next week to get a good look at all of my lesions.  There are probably new ones on my brain.  That’s what’s been really bothering me.  I have freaking lesions ON MY BRAIN.  The physical symptoms  I can handle but these cognitive problems are killing me.  I went to see a Rehabilitation Counselor last week.  He was awesome.  He talked to me about just about everything.  His specialty is MS and helping people adjust to their new way of life.  He gave me a lot of great advice and asked a lot of questions that really made me realize some things.  He asked questions like, “Do you notice yourself taking more notes to help remember things?” and  “Are you having trouble making decisions?” and “Are you having trouble with math?”  I answered yes to all three of those questions (I’ve always had trouble with math but it’s been WAY worse lately).

Having trouble making decisions is really annoying when you’re trying to plan a wedding.  All I’m doing is making decisions.  Yesterday we went to the mall to get the rest of the clothes for Hubby’s guys.  I almost started crying.  At breakfast before the mall I couldn’t decide what I wanted to eat.  When I try to make a decision, my brain goes blank.  Totally blank.  So blank all I can do is stare.  It’s so annoying.  Today while driving to meet friends for lunch Hubby and I were talking about cars since I desperately need a new car.  We were talking about Hyundai’s.  A couple minutes into the conversation I said, “Don’t they have 100,000 mile warranties?” and he laughed and said, “Yes.  I just told you that.  They are cheap cars with great warranties….100,000 miles”.  All I heard was “cheap cars with great warranties”.  My brain doesn’t always register and process all the information that it’s given.  I almost started crying and I would have if I didn’t think it would make him feel bad or if it wouldn’t have made my eyes puffy since we were going out to lunch.  Last night I made a bagel and asked if Hubby wanted half.  Apparently he said yes and then he left the room.  While he was gone I ate the whole thing.  When he came back he laughed and said, “Ok…well I guess I didn’t want half of the bagel…”  I almost started crying.

The way my brain is mal-functioning right now is the most difficult thing I have had to deal with yet.  I have a job interview on Wednesday for a retail position (standing, dealing with money/math, making decisions…) and I have my wedding coming up.  My Rehab Counselor talked to me about how to get through my wedding.  He said take lots of breaks throughout the day (like go be completely alone, no noise, no internet, no Hubby), take it easy the day before, bring gel packs to keep cool since it’s an outdoor wedding and talk to the officiant about talking slow and giving me smaller bits to repeat during the ceremony.  If I need to rearrange the ceremony, do so.  I’m not sure that I can stand up on my own through the entire ceremony so Hubby and I may have our backs to the crowd so Hubby can have his arm around my waist to hold me up.  He also said that if I want to talk to people and catch up to walk away from the crowd so I can focus.

I’m getting nervous about the wedding and not for normal reasons.  I could care less if the flowers don’t show up or if relatives get too drunk, etc.  I’m nervous that my brain isn’t going to be functioning well and that I’m going to be too exhausted to relax and be with my friends.  Luckily I will my six best friends there to help get me through….and my mothers, and my husband.  I just hope that them trying to help me doesn’t stress me out even more.  I can’t expect Hubby to remember all of the things that I need help with right now so I will give each girlfriend a “thing” to keep track of.  I really want Hubby to be able to hang out with his friends and have a good time.  He’s so amazing at helping me and I feel like I just keep coming up with more “things” that he has to try and remember to help me be more comfortable/happy.  He keeps telling me that he loves me and he knew what he was signing up for so basically shut up and deal with him helping me.  I just feel like a freaking retard when my brain misfires.  I don’t mind being a cripple physically but I hate looking like a scatter brain or a dingbat.  I have always been a forgetful person but add lesions on my brain and now I can’t remember why I just got off the couch and headed to the kitchen……

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