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January 27, 2011 / multiplesclerosis1209

Post Holiday Update

We survived the holidays and are comfortably settling into normal married life.  It’s amazing how fast the newness can wear off….how fast it becomes so normal to say “my husband”.  The people that I work with know me only by my married name.  The old me never existed to them.  They know me as the girl behind the desk.  They have no idea about the life that I used to lead.  My life before MS.

I’ve been a bit depressed about this subject: the desk job lifestyle.  I miss my old job(s) so much.  I was active and outdoors.  I had three different jobs that I loved.  I haven’t had a desk job like this is over 12 years.  I was never cut out for this type of life.  I answer phones, file paperwork, fax stuff, mail stuff…..  On the coldest, wettest day of the year I’d still rather be working outside.  I’m pale and my ass is getting fat and flat.  I’ve mostly come to accept this way of life but there are days where I reminisce about the days of old.  I made a hell of a lot more money back then and I had one happy, happy dog who got to go everywhere with me.  I get the most depressed when I feel guilty about how boring my dog’s life has become.  I read (most) of this article/transcript and it helped me a bit.  I’m becoming a fan of Trevis Gleason’s blog.  I hadn’t really labeled what I was/am going through as guilt until recently.  I do feel guilty that I can’t do the things that I used to do.  I feel guilty for myself, for my dogs, for my Hubby.  I want everyone to be happy and I feel like sometimes we could all be happier if I didn’t have MS.  I’m a bit of a Debbie Downer at times and I feel guilty about it.  Some places are a nightmare for me because of my MS and I feel like it’s all my fault we can’t go places.  After my horrible experience at a concert for our honeymoon I’m nervous about going to any events in big arenas.  Luckily my bladder problems are mostly under control which is the hardest part about being out and about.  If there is too much noise, I can’t concentrate so parties are no fun.  If there’s too much walking I feel like a weakling.  Most people are all, “ooooo it’s fine.  We don’t mind walking slow with you….we’re in no hurry” and they think they are being all sweet and understanding.  Maybe what I want them to say is, “wow. MS fucking sucks.  You can’t even walk three blocks???”  Don’t patronize me people.  Don’t treat me like a cripple and don’t talk to me like I’m 2 years old.  There really should be more Hallmark cards for things like this…..”Sorry about your diagnosis.  Don’t worry.  We’ll totally pimp out your wheelchair when the time comes” or “Crippling auto immune disorders suck.  Let’s go get pissed”  or “Wow.  MS huh?  Sucks to be you right now but let me know if Ican help”.

Writing about this stuff always makes me feel better and I’ve figured out that every few weeks I need to get sad and have a good cry and purge.  I rarely stay sad for very long and I don’t always want to talk about it.  Everyone always wants to cheer me up and tell me everything is going to be ok.  I KNOW everything is going to be alright.  Sometimes I just need to get some things out of my head and cry it out.

I haven’t written for awhile so this one is a bit all over the place.  If I thought I had any readers, I might try harder to organize my thoughts but for now, I write for me.

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4 Comments

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  1. The Strange Attractor / Jan 28 2011 9:40 am

    I read your blog!! Hopefully I haven’t been one of those patronizing people. Thanks for sharing, as always!

  2. multiplesclerosis1209 / Jan 28 2011 4:26 pm

    Woohoo!! I have a reader!!! And no, you are not patronizing 🙂

  3. Sally / Jan 30 2011 9:27 pm

    I just started reading it 😀 Found your addy on Trevis’s blog tonight. Two posts in and I already like your writing style! Carry on, I’m bookmarking you!!!

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