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February 14, 2011 / multiplesclerosis1209

The Weight of the World

Depression is one of the most common symptoms of MS sufferers.  I battle depression quite often but I don’t believe it to be bad enough to seek medication for it.  I have bouts with depression but at this point, it never seems to stick around longer than a few days.

Today, I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I feel extreme guilt, sadness, anger, frustration, confusion but also hope.  I am at a point in my life where my MS is putting me in a position that I hate more than having to quit my career that I loved.

My husband and I are are both dog lovers and came into our relationship each having dogs.  We have more dogs than your average family.  This past weekend we had a conversation that I hoped we would never have to have: should we re-home two of our dogs.  My MS limits the amount of time I can work which  limits my income and dog food is expensive.  My MS limits my abilities to help groom and/or exercise our dogs.  My MS, well, sucks ass.  Our two gigantic dogs weigh slightly less than I do.  They are clumsy and take up a lot of space.  They bump into me all the time nearly knocking me over  half the time or sprawl out in the middle of the floor where I have to step over them which I can only do if I can lean on a wall or chair.  One of them is not too bright and doesn’t listen very well so I feel like I am constantly yelling at him which stresses us both out.  They both need to be brushed, bathed, have their nails cut and they both need to be exercised and they are only TWO of the dogs in our home.  Hubby picks up the slack in all areas of our life and taking care of the dogs seems to take a back seat to just about everything else in our lives.  This is completely and totally unfair to them and it breaks my heart.  I had a total meltdown this weekend.  I was already having an emotional few days for no reason other than I have lesions on my fucking brain and then Hubby brings up the dogs……my heart broke right in half and I lost it.  It hurt so, so bad.  I’ve been volunteering in dog rescue for several years and there was always so much judgment when people “get rid of” their dogs.  If I didn’t have MS, we could work it all out.  If I didn’t have MS, I could make enough money to hire help for them.  If I didn’t have MS, Hubby would have more money and wouldn’t be in this situation.  If I didn’t have MS………

Today I hate my disease for putting me in this situation.  Thinking about our home with these two lovable giants missing from the daily routines makes me hurt so deep in my heart.  Dogs are not “just dogs” to us.  They are beings with feelings and emotions and yes, souls.  I have to keep thinking how unfair it is to keep them here.  They deserve better.  They deserve to be the center off attention.  They deserve to be spoiled rotten.  They deserve a better life than we can give them right now.

I am taking this one day at a time and praying for clarity and guidance.  Nothing is going to happen over night so I just need to be patient…..and I suck at patience.


One Comment

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  1. buttermilk80 / Feb 15 2011 9:51 am

    Father, I have no idea what this one is going through. But You are the God who Sees. You held me up when I was almost dead. Please help this one. Have mercy, O’ Lord of Life.

    It is the name of Jesus which opens doors shut. And it is Jesus who bars entry for all things wicked. In the name of this Jesus, the Son of God, I pray. Amen

    By His Grace.

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