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January 19, 2012 / multiplesclerosis1209

Breakdown

I just sat in the bathroom and cried. Cried for many reasons. Today I fucking hate MS. I hate it for what it has taken from me. I hate it for making me have to work harder than a normal person on daily tasks. I hate that it has taken my energy to do anything other than work. I hate that I have no physical or mental energy left when I get home to spend on my husband. I almost wished I looked crippled so maybe people would remember that I have MS. I’m convinced my husband thinks I’m a lazy slob because I do absolutely nothing to help around the house. I fucking WISH I had the energy to come home from work and clean and vacuum and do laundry. I’m tired of pretending everything is ok. Everything is NOT ok. I have MS. I don’t want to be treated like a cripple but I want people to cut me just a little slack. Accepting the fact that I need a little slack is a tough pill to swallow. I signed up for the Walk MS and my entire fucking family wants to walk and bring their kids. I understand that they want to be supportive but a) I don’t like their kids b) I don’t know if I want all the attention and c) its a new route & that makes me nervous (is it REALLY only two miles or is that just a guess & its actually four like the first year I walked??). I’m not going to be able to act normal after walking a mile and my legs turn to jello & I’m not sure I can even finish the entire walk which puts me (the cripple) on a shuttle bus to the ‘finish’ line. Last year someone on my team actually teased me for ‘cheating’ and only walking one mile and they thought it was funny (there were laps & people could do up to three laps…I did one. Even Hubby was a little irritated).
My emotions are all over the place so this post is a mess…sorry. I mostly needed to vent. My main point is: Fuck you MS. Give me my life back.

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2 Comments

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  1. kerrieb40 / Jan 19 2012 5:29 am

    It’s great to rant & rave and totally all right to be PISSED OFF at MS! I hope you realize you aren’t the only that feels like this. MS just really sucks. I’ve done the MS Walk for about 6 years now as my sister (4 yrs older) was diagnosed with MS. You should NOT feel bad about not being able to complete the entire course. Who cares if you don’t? Be proud of what you CAN do and hold your head up high. It’s so annoying that people just don’t have a way for them to see our symptoms all the time. I wish my ear would turn purple or something just to flag it. lol!

  2. Just a girl / Feb 17 2013 5:47 pm

    Hey,

    So I came across your blog as I was trying to find mine today.. man, some of the issues sound so much like my story. I am so glad to know that I am not the ONLY one going through something like this alone and there are people, wether I know them or not going through the same thing. I was just diagnosed in September.. but have been having symtoms for a year. I am 20. It sucks.. the biggest two issues for me is my vision when I exercise.. I used to be able to play basketball and volleyball for hours and ours.. but not anymore. Its hard… so I do swim, which is nice. My other is as you have mentioned a few times, fatigue. Man, it is so weird. And lately it has been pain in my hands which one is numb all the time.. But… it looks like you havent blogged in a while.. I hope you are doing well. Here is hte link to my blog if you want to check it out and read my story.. http://justagirllivingwithms.blogspot.ca/

    Thanks for writing your journey down.. I will continue to check it out..

    ~Just a Girl

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