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March 5, 2013 / multiplesclerosis1209

It’s Been a Long While…

Why is it that I never feel like blogging until things are shitty?  Most days I feel fine.  Fine for anyone let alone someone with MS.  I have a job that keeps me active on my feet all day and where I get to interact with people and talk about things that I am passionate about.  I was made manager a few months ago so my pay got a significant increase as well.  Things have been plugging along quite nicely.

Hubby and I are revisiting the idea of going off of birth control.  We are not dead-set on having a baby but are willing to give it a go for a few months.  All of this baby talk has made me very contemplative (which is understandable, right?).  I have come to the realization that I have no real friends where I live. Having a baby is a HUGE undertaking and normal, healthy people need help so I figure I am going to need even extra help and I don’t want Hubby to be the only one helping.  I don’t have anyone here that I feel comfortable calling if/when I need help.  Thinking about it all makes me start crying and wanting to move “home” where all my old friends are.  Back in my hometown I have a minimum of four friends that I could call at anytime and they would do what they could to help me.  I also have my dad, step-mom, brother and sister-in-law just an hour away from my hometown.  I should probably mention that no matter where I decide to live, my mother is going to to follow so at least I got that goin’ for me.

This morning, I woke up at 2am with horrible nausea.  Vomiting is, hands down, my least favorite thing and I do everything I can to avoid it. Last night there was no avoiding it.  My stomach emptied itself approximately five times over an hour.  Just as I would get back to bed and get comfortable, I would have to get up and hurry to the bathroom.  Anyone with MS knows exactly how easy it is to maneuver quickly when you are sick.  I’m lucky I made it to the toilet each time without tripping.  The vomiting made me think about morning sickness.  Don’t most pregnant women experience morning sickness and how would I be able to handle that?  At 2am I texted my boss to let her know that I was sick since I was supposed to open this morning.  I also texted a coworker.  At 7am I heard back from my coworker who said she could take my shift.  I asked her to call our boss and let her know and she said no problem so I turned off my phone and fell back asleep.  In my fuzzy brain, that was enough to officially ‘call in sick’ (I have never called in sick to this job in a year and a half).  I woke up again at 9am and had a missed call and an angry voicemail from my boss who apparently was NOT contacted by my coworker so she panicked and went into work only to find my coworker already there.  This made me think, again, of how I have no support system here.  I’ve been depressed all day thinking about it.  I feel like I’m stuck in a nightmare at the  moment.

I have a very limited skill set and thought that this job was the answer to that since I can no longer do the physical things I was doing before the MS set in.  This job pays very well for what it is and 80% of the time, I absolutely love it.  Moving back to my hometown means having to find a new job for both me and Hubby.  I rely on Hubby’s benefits for my health insurance so if we move and he changes jobs, there could possibly be a gap in my coverage.  Also, I HATE looking for jobs since it mostly just reminds me of all the things I can’t do.

I’m having one of those days where I just wish I was a fucking normal person who didn’t have all these worries.

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