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June 10, 2014 / multiplesclerosis1209

The Funk Comes and Goes

Funk, Part 1: My Home – Present and Future
After my last post, we took off to the town where we want to move for an over night-er to look at a couple of houses.  We didn’t get either of them, but it was so nice to get out of the city for a night.  We were both happy over there (despite the minor hospital visit for my dehydration….but that’s another story) and happy when we got home.  We are finding it difficult to find a rental house there, but I am not giving up.  Apparently my Hubby, though, wants to give up.  He said tonight that he thinks that the move may not work out.  We have been looking for house for approximately four weeks.  In my mind, that’s not a very long time.  In his mind?  Yup.  It’s not going to happen and we should give up.  I understand that he might he panicking about it all, about giving up a decent job with guaranteed pay for commission at his new job that could potentially be REALLY good money.  I understand that he is a man and that men need things more concrete and I am woman who believes that it will all work out even though I have no solid evidence to back that up.
I decided to vent about all of this to a couple of my best friends and one of them said that maybe we shouldn’t move to the new place because it is further away from friends and family and when you are a new mom, you need all friends you can get.  This didn’t help my current state of upset.  The new town is like paradise.  It’s out of the city, quiet, sunny in the summer and snowy in the winter, has farms all around for fresh fruit and vegetables and did I mention it’s quiet?  I am SO SICK of living in the city.  Having MS and bringing a child into this world, I want what’s best for him.  Clean air and extra sunshine goes a long way toward a healthy lifestyle.  I know moving to a new town doesn’t magically make everything better, but it’s a good place to start, right?  My husband hates his job here and it makes him grumpy and irritable and difficult to be around.  He’s overweight and miserable which does not help our home or love life.  Moving to a happy town with active people will help us both be healthier.
I feel like this town could be a fresh start for us that I could be healthier and happier there and now he wants to back out?  I just can’t handle that right now.  He has been on board with the move up until tonight?   I guess I just need a sign from the Universe about it all.  I have my heart set on moving and once I make up my mind, it is difficult to change it but I need a partner in this.  If I am putting all this energy into moving and he is putting his energy against it it will never work out.  Needless to say, I am in my funk again.  I get happy for a few days then something happens and I get sad again.  Some of it, I know, is pregnancy, but some of it is just life.  I just feel like I lost my partner in this move tonight and I hope he hasn’t completely made up his mind because he is just as stubborn as I am and if I convince him to move, and it doesn’t work out, well……let’s just hope that doesn’t happen.

Funk, Part 2:  My Body
It hurts.  Everyday, it hurts.  Everything I read about MS symptoms going away during pregnancy was bullshit.  My legs are so stiff I can barely walk when I wake up in the morning, my bladder is so awful that I piss in my pants nearly every day and I can’t take any meds to help any of it.  On top of all this, my body is producing hormones that make my pelvis and other joints soften up so my hips are like rubber bands and are sore everyday.  I am considering applying for disability so I can stay home, near a toilet, and rest my legs.  I am on my feet all day at work and it doesn’t matter what shoes I wear, my hips hurt.  I am 20lbs heavier and gaining, too, which doesn’t help.  My balance is worse due to my unmedicated MS and my center of gravity being all screwed up.  Getting dressed is a chore in and of itself.  I have very few things that fit me and bending in the middle is getting more difficult so putting on pants/underwear/shoes is a real work out.  Add to that the stiff legs that don’t want to cooperate and getting dressed in the morning is my least favorite thing.  Just about everything I do is exhausting. Don’t I make pregnancy sound amazing?

I want to be enjoying my pregnancy, but for the most part, I’m not.  The other night, Hubby got to feel Baby kick for the first time which was pretty freaking cool since I have been feeling him move for a few weeks now.  We can also hear him with a stethoscope so Hubby can be a little more involved now.  I have moments that I enjoy but I am so preoccupied with the move, remembering to take my vitamins and trying to drink enough water that I stay hydrated but not too much so that I don’t piss myself that the whole adventure just feels stressful.   And don’t even get me started on trying to chose a name for this kid….  I know Hubby is stressing out too so we are both just not happy right now.  That doesn’t make for a very fun life.

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