Well, it’s been an incredibly long time since I have blogged. Having a baby really changes everything. EVERYTHING. Our baby is now 9 months old and I am finally getting to a point where I feel slightly rested (or I’ve just become completely adjusted to being sleep deprived). I am also starting to feel more capable as a mother and less like a rookie new mom.
I was fortunate to avoid having a relapse since having the baby. I’m not sure if it’s the reason or not, but I had my placenta encapsulated and took it in pill form for six months. Gross? Maybe. Scientific evidence behind the practice? No. I was willing to obviously try anything to stave off a relapse short of preemptive steroids. I’m still off all of my meds and seem to be doing ok. My neurologist said that most of my aches and pains seem to be typical post partum symptoms and not MS related which was nice to hear.
That is about as much as I can report right now. Baby needs me. Welcome to my new normal.
Wheelchair Kamikaze says it better than I could and if you don’t follow his blog, you should.
Dealing with the added disability of pregnancy, I am finding myself breaking down over simple tasks that were much easier before I got pregnant and went off my meds. Sunday I cried because I had difficulty tying my shoes. Not only is my belly getting in the way but my legs are so stiff and weak that I can’t lift them up to reach my shoes.
I also love how he explains the social exhaustion after spending time with friends.
http://www.wheelchairkamikaze.com/2014/06/the-great-pretender.html
Funk, Part 1: My Home – Present and Future
After my last post, we took off to the town where we want to move for an over night-er to look at a couple of houses. We didn’t get either of them, but it was so nice to get out of the city for a night. We were both happy over there (despite the minor hospital visit for my dehydration….but that’s another story) and happy when we got home. We are finding it difficult to find a rental house there, but I am not giving up. Apparently my Hubby, though, wants to give up. He said tonight that he thinks that the move may not work out. We have been looking for house for approximately four weeks. In my mind, that’s not a very long time. In his mind? Yup. It’s not going to happen and we should give up. I understand that he might he panicking about it all, about giving up a decent job with guaranteed pay for commission at his new job that could potentially be REALLY good money. I understand that he is a man and that men need things more concrete and I am woman who believes that it will all work out even though I have no solid evidence to back that up.
I decided to vent about all of this to a couple of my best friends and one of them said that maybe we shouldn’t move to the new place because it is further away from friends and family and when you are a new mom, you need all friends you can get. This didn’t help my current state of upset. The new town is like paradise. It’s out of the city, quiet, sunny in the summer and snowy in the winter, has farms all around for fresh fruit and vegetables and did I mention it’s quiet? I am SO SICK of living in the city. Having MS and bringing a child into this world, I want what’s best for him. Clean air and extra sunshine goes a long way toward a healthy lifestyle. I know moving to a new town doesn’t magically make everything better, but it’s a good place to start, right? My husband hates his job here and it makes him grumpy and irritable and difficult to be around. He’s overweight and miserable which does not help our home or love life. Moving to a happy town with active people will help us both be healthier.
I feel like this town could be a fresh start for us that I could be healthier and happier there and now he wants to back out? I just can’t handle that right now. He has been on board with the move up until tonight? I guess I just need a sign from the Universe about it all. I have my heart set on moving and once I make up my mind, it is difficult to change it but I need a partner in this. If I am putting all this energy into moving and he is putting his energy against it it will never work out. Needless to say, I am in my funk again. I get happy for a few days then something happens and I get sad again. Some of it, I know, is pregnancy, but some of it is just life. I just feel like I lost my partner in this move tonight and I hope he hasn’t completely made up his mind because he is just as stubborn as I am and if I convince him to move, and it doesn’t work out, well……let’s just hope that doesn’t happen.
Funk, Part 2: My Body
It hurts. Everyday, it hurts. Everything I read about MS symptoms going away during pregnancy was bullshit. My legs are so stiff I can barely walk when I wake up in the morning, my bladder is so awful that I piss in my pants nearly every day and I can’t take any meds to help any of it. On top of all this, my body is producing hormones that make my pelvis and other joints soften up so my hips are like rubber bands and are sore everyday. I am considering applying for disability so I can stay home, near a toilet, and rest my legs. I am on my feet all day at work and it doesn’t matter what shoes I wear, my hips hurt. I am 20lbs heavier and gaining, too, which doesn’t help. My balance is worse due to my unmedicated MS and my center of gravity being all screwed up. Getting dressed is a chore in and of itself. I have very few things that fit me and bending in the middle is getting more difficult so putting on pants/underwear/shoes is a real work out. Add to that the stiff legs that don’t want to cooperate and getting dressed in the morning is my least favorite thing. Just about everything I do is exhausting. Don’t I make pregnancy sound amazing?
I want to be enjoying my pregnancy, but for the most part, I’m not. The other night, Hubby got to feel Baby kick for the first time which was pretty freaking cool since I have been feeling him move for a few weeks now. We can also hear him with a stethoscope so Hubby can be a little more involved now. I have moments that I enjoy but I am so preoccupied with the move, remembering to take my vitamins and trying to drink enough water that I stay hydrated but not too much so that I don’t piss myself that the whole adventure just feels stressful. And don’t even get me started on trying to chose a name for this kid…. I know Hubby is stressing out too so we are both just not happy right now. That doesn’t make for a very fun life.
Dramatic, I know. But it’s the truth. There has been some sort of construction going on daily next door to me for the past six weeks and now the city is outside on my street with a bulldozer about to do god knows what. My home life sucks. My house is the most stressful place in my life. My body hurts everyday and I have zero way to relax. My new job is fine but it’s not great. I’ve already gotten my first promotion so I get a teeny, tiny bit more money and a few more duties but I still have to be on my feet all day. My MS symptoms are all still the same. There has been absolutely no relief whatever since I’ve been pregnant. My legs are like jello, I can’t take my meds for it, and I’m 12lbs heavier than I was when I was on my medications (and getting heavier). I can’t hold my bladder and can’t take my meds for that either and I have a 13oz human resting on my bladder all day so I am practically pissing my pants every single time I have to pee.
Today is just about the worst day that I have had since I got pregnant. We are looking to move but we are having a difficult time finding a place big enough for us that we can afford, in the town that we want to live in, that will accepts dogs. We are traveling this weekend to go look at houses but so far no one has called us back to set up appointments. I’m just crossing my fingers that it all works out. We REALLY want to move to this town but it is not without sacrifice and work. I’m trying to keep my chin-up, but I can’t stop crying today. I just need a little bit of good news…..a little bit of hope.
Life is just humming along right now. I am officially in my second trimester so hopefully my energy level continues to increase. Hubby and I were able to spend some time with friends who are new parents this past weekend and that was much needed. These friends are open and honest and made me feel like I am doing just fine exactly where I am today. They let us in on some personal struggles about their pregnancy, delivery and first year of parenting. It was so refreshing to hear real stories from real parents and not just a bunch of rainbows and butterflies like most people talk about. “Oh, parenting is exhausting but you will LOVE it!!” or “Don’t worry about a thing. You will figure it all out!” or “Your instincts kick in and you will know exactly what to do!” Not everyone LOVES pregnancy and parenting and not everyone is a natural at it and that’s ok. I am not yet excited about being pregnant and that’s ok, too. It doesn’t mean that I won’t love my child once he or she gets here, it just means that it is taking me a little longer to warn up to the idea of having a kid.
In other news, I think I got a job! I will find out by the end of the week. It has been nice to be able to rest during my first trimester but I am ready to get out in to the workforce again.
So I went in to apply for public assistance, and I was approved. It was a huge “pride pill” to swallow for me but I need to think about the baby growing inside of me.
Where I live has a nutrition program for women who are pregnant. Each month I will now get vouchers for a very specific list of food. The list is pretty impressive, actually: milk, eggs, cheese, whole grains, bread, beans, juice. It even gives me a voucher for fresh fruits and veggies and I can get organic if I want to. I was also approved for medical coverage while I am pregnant which includes dental and vision. Guess who is getting her teeth fixed on Monday and new glasses in a couple weeks! So there is a silver lining to being broke! Hopefully I won’t need help for very long because I did have a job interview today and I have another one next week. If I get a part-time job I may even be able to keep the public assistance throughout my pregnancy. The relief I feel today is huge. My baby and I are not going to starve. Dramatic, I know, but apparently this whole Mom-caretaker thing kicks in early.
**RANT WARNING**
I just received an email from a girl who is a friend of a friend that was an order of clothing that she placed for me. Maternity clothing. First of all, everything was way too big. Luckily she was able to cancel and reorder the correct sizes. Second of all, it’s nothing that I need. One of the items of clothing is hideous and nothing I would ever wear. I told her thank you and then said that I will just return the items if they don’t fit. She then informed me that this particular website does not take returns and just donate the clothes if they don’t fit.
I know I’m hormonal and everything, but this made me angry and I started crying. As much as I appreciate the gesture, it’s basically wasted money that could have been used towards things that I actually need like shirts that cover my growing belly. Maybe I’m a bitch, but why are people supposed to accept garbage just because someone else thinks that you need it? I had an argument about this when Hubby’s parents bought us some stupid chair because they thought it would be comfortable for me to sit on in the yard. ONE CHAIR!! Not two, but one. In my mind, chairs come in pairs. Is that weird? And they know NOTHING about what makes me comfortable (not being mean, it’s just the truth). The chair is tough for me to get out of due to my MS but I’m just supposed to smile and keep it in the garage so I don’t offend anyone? Why are people so damn sensitive?? I bit the bullet and emailed this girl about the clothes and told her that I don’t mean to be rude but one of the items I already have and one of them I’ll never wear hoping maybe she could cancel the order. Instead, she said, “Oh well. Someone at the thrift shop will score then!”
I am unemployed and really need stuff that I cant afford so maybe I should just be grateful and wear the hideous clothing that she ordered. Hell, maybe by the time it gets here I will like it, but I doubt it. It just seems like wasted money to me. Money that could have been spent on things that could really benefit me right now.
I’m officially 12 weeks along in my pregnancy and I am still exhausted. Luckily I am unemployed still so I have plenty of time to rest. With all this free time, I wish I had the energy to get stuff done around the house. The dishes are piling up, the laundry needs to be done and my poor Hubby works full time then comes home to a filthy house. Today he was sweet enough to stop by and bring me lunch and I was still in my jammies at 2:30pm. He joked and called me lazy and told me to get a job. Oh, the love we have for one another… He should be happy I finally took a shower at 3:30pm since I didn’t take one yesterday.
Her I am at 12 weeks pregnant. Apparently loads of women don’t even start showing until around 12 weeks but I have been showing since eight weeks and I’m already wearing maternity pants (which I’m not going to lie, are just about the greatest thing EVER). Also, I would like to thank my dear friend who told me to get yoga pants. If anyone reading this ever gets pregnant, buy yourself some yoga pants. Seriously.
So far I am still having my mild MS symptoms. Mostly just stiff legs, muscle spasms in my legs and bladder control issues. I have read many articles and blogs by pregnant women with MS that say that their symptoms mostly subside and that they feel the best they ever have in their entire lives when they are pregnant. I am still waiting on that. Hoping the second trimester brings more energy, more bladder control and less jello legs so I can maybe get some exercise. I would love to be able to go for walks with my dogs for more than a couple blocks and not wet myself or get exhausted.
Hubby and I went to the baby supplies store today to get some education on some things that we are going to need. I know Z-E-R-O about babies and baby stuff. We started with strollers. I want a stroller that I can lean on if/when I get weak when I’m walking. It turns out, no stroller can really handle any weight that way. They just tip back wards. We found a couple that could handle a little leaning, but not much. You know what else? ALL stroller have brakes that you have to use with your foot. That’s right. You have to physically stop the stroller with your strength, then stand on one foot, then step on the brake that is underneath the stroller. Sounds simple, right? Not so much if you can’t lean on the stroller to get your balance in order to stand on one leg to step on the brake. WHY do strollers not have hand brakes??
3/9/14 **UPDATE** I did find a couple strollers with hand brakes made by BOB but they are quite a bit more expensive than all the other strollers we looked at.
Second product: car seat. I had no idea that car seats weigh like 7-15lbs. That plus the baby in it adds up to a lot of weight to lug around. Apparently most people take the entire car seat out of the car and put it in the stroller every time they get out of the car? That is so much lifting. I found a stroller/car seat system where the car seat was only 7 lbs but it wasn’t the highest rated in safety. It was fine, but not the HIGHEST so Hubby makes a comment, “what’s more important than the baby’s safety?”. I almost started crying. I tried to remind him of how fatigued I am going to be and that every ounce counts, but we were in front of the salesperson so it was tough to really talk about it. He didn’t mean to be hurtful, I just took it that way.
Third product: cribs. Holy shit. Talk about epic realization of our future. Did you know that some cribs convert in to beds that will last through childhood?? I’m not ready to choose a bed for our future 5 year-old!! And of course the one that I liked the best was $600. We should have looked at cribs first because by this time I was exhausted. The cribs were so spread out that I think we walked a mile just looking at the floor models. We narrowed it down to three favorites.
And then, “pack ‘n’plays” or what I thought were called “play pens”. Fairly simple and not too expensive. My main concern? Where is all this crap going to fit when we travel to the Grandparents? I drive a Rabbit and I LOVE my Rabbit!
Finally, “cosleepers” or “rock ‘n’ plays”. At this point, I have no desire to have the baby in our bed with us but for the first couple months, I want the baby right next to the bed. We have very little space next to the bed so we need something narrow. I don’t want to spend money on something we’ll only use for a couple months so we were looking for something that would last close to a year that maybe we could also use out in the living room.
At this point, we were both fried so we headed home. When we got home I put on my pajama pants and crashed in bed then immediately started crying. Hubby came over to console me but I couldn’t really explain what I was feeling so I just took a nap. The only thing I keep thinking is that having a baby seems like so much work and that I don’t want to do it. I know that everything changes once you see your baby and that I WILL love my baby but at this point I am overwhelmed and just want to cry. When do I get to be excited about all of this? Maybe in 10 weeks when I get to see his/her face on the ultrasound? I though hearing the heartbeat would change my attitude but today I am just not ready or excited about this baby.
I saw my neurologist today and guess what?? I CAN TAKE MY OXYBUTYNIN!!!!! She had her MS Specialty Pharmacist come and talk to me about the meds I was on and let me know what is safe and what is not safe. Apparently Oxybutynin is as safe as Tylenol!! The only major MS-related complaint I have had so far during this pregnancy has been bladder control. I have wet myself twice already in 10 weeks. When the pharmacist told me I could take my bladder meds as needed I almost started crying (and I didn’t even cry on Wednesday when I heard my baby’s heartbeat…). This means I might sleep through the night tonight and I will have less fear and anxiety when out running errands! This is such good news for me…I was starting to hate being pregnant because of my bladder issues which I understand only get worse as the baby gets bigger. At least now I will be able to hold it when I have to pee so I have more than 35 seconds to find a washroom.
Living With MS 