Got an angry phone call from a coworker today (my day off) yelling at me about not doing enough when I closed at work last night.
Its official: I have no support here and I want to move back to my home town. I have no friends here, my self confidence is dwindling day by day and I’m depressed nearly every day. I will be doing some serious job hunting for Hubby starting today. Wish me luck.
Evidently my last post was published as a ‘page’ by my lovely WordPress app and my sleepy brain. If you would like to read it, click above on ‘I Wish I Could Quit My Job’. I don’t have my laptop with me to try and figure out how to transfer it to a regular post…..
If you’ve never read the Spoon Theory, now is a good time. I am always reminded of it when I don’t feel well. I wish my coworkers understood that puking for three hours took all of today’s spoons before today even started.
I don’t really even know where to start here…I suppose I should start with my pregnant coworker.
I work in a retail environment where the staff is required to lift and carry up to 45lbs multiple times a day. I have MS. I can manage perfectly well everyday (except during the summer heat…but that’s another story). My coworker found out that she is pregnant, eight weeks along, and has decided that she can’t lift anything. She is sick everyday, takes a thousands breaks to sit down because she is exhausted and will disappear into the bathroom for 10 minutes at a time. I very, very, rarely pull the ‘MS Card’ at work but I just want to scream at her, I HAVE BEEN EXHAUSTED FOR SEVEN+ YEARS!!! BUCK UP!”. My coworkers know that I cannot go up a ladder and they know that I cannot lift 45lbs much higher than waist-height. These are super easy things to work around. Coworkers take care of the reader board marquee outside and we don’t stack anything over 30bs on shelves that are too high for me to restock. Easy peasy. We cannot work around her limitations if she is going to insist on having so many and I simply will not be bale to pick up her slack.
Now, I’ve never been pregnant but I’m fairly certain that at eight weeks pregnant you are still allowed to lift the things you were lifting before you got knocked up, right? This is going to be the LONGEST eight months of my life.
I woke up at 1am this morning and began puking. I puked my guts out for three hours. I almost pissed myself while I was puking, my legs turned to jello and I almost fell over several times while leaning over the toilet. I have no idea if it was food poisoning or the bug that is going around, but needless to say, I called in sick today. I texted my pregnant coworker and asked if she could open the store for me and explained what was going on. Then I sent this:
She said no problem and took my shift. At 10:15ish she texts and asks if I am coming in today followed by:
This is the 2nd time I have called in sick the entire two years I have had this job and I am the most crippled person at work. I have explained to these people what happens when I get sick. It’s not just throwing up. My entire body reacts to me being sick. There is NO WAY I could do any lifting today.
Today just reinforces that I have no friends here. No one truly cares about me other than my husband. This is not a “waaaahhhh, poor me” statement, it’s simply the truth. Hubby and I are talking about moving home and out of this town at the first of the year but I don’t know if I am going to make it that long. I’m still holding out hope that my pregnant coworker will decide to move across the country to be with her family so I can keep my job for awhile longer.
My husband and I wanted a hobby that we could do together. He loves sports so we contemplated season tickets to professional soccer in our city. This would have been his dream come true (and soccer is about the only sport I enjoy watching) but I have a difficult time at sporting events, especially in huge stadiums. I constantly worry about needing to get to the toilet. So much so that I cannot relax. What if I wait just a minute too long and get to the bathroom and there’s a line? What if I don’t realize I have to pee until it’s urgent? Will I make it to the bathroom in time? There’s also tons of walking, lots of noise, pushy crowds, not always railing on all the stairs, etc. Hubby’s dream = my nightmare.
So what did we decide on? Guns. I got myself a pistol (Hubby already had one) and we joined a gun range. I grew up shooting but it had been a few years so we took a basic pistol class as a refresher. For the last three weeks I have gone to the range on my day off, which is usually a weekday. The range is quiet during the week, during the day, and it is my new Happy Place. As soon as I swipe my badge and the gate opens, a warm peacefulness spreads through me. I am generally a bit anxious being around strangers in new situations but this place is different. My brain slows down, my breathing slows and I can relax and focus. Every range member that I have met has been helpful, nice, and genuinely happy to have a new member. They’ve even let me shoot their guns and taught me how to shoot “bullseye” where the target turns and you get ten seconds to shoot five shots at 25 yards. My confidence is building again. I was a very athletic and competitive person the majority of my life but MS has not allowed me to continue in athletics. I was always confident in my own strength to defend myself but MS took that too.
I feel like my soul is rebuilding. I feel like me again for the first time in a few years. Hubby and I don’t get a lot of days off together but when we do, you will find us at the gun range. I’m even planning to eventually compete in target shooting. I’m getting more comfortable with my pistol and maybe one day I will even carry it on me. I never again want to feel powerless just because I have a disability.
Why is it that I never feel like blogging until things are shitty? Most days I feel fine. Fine for anyone let alone someone with MS. I have a job that keeps me active on my feet all day and where I get to interact with people and talk about things that I am passionate about. I was made manager a few months ago so my pay got a significant increase as well. Things have been plugging along quite nicely.
Hubby and I are revisiting the idea of going off of birth control. We are not dead-set on having a baby but are willing to give it a go for a few months. All of this baby talk has made me very contemplative (which is understandable, right?). I have come to the realization that I have no real friends where I live. Having a baby is a HUGE undertaking and normal, healthy people need help so I figure I am going to need even extra help and I don’t want Hubby to be the only one helping. I don’t have anyone here that I feel comfortable calling if/when I need help. Thinking about it all makes me start crying and wanting to move “home” where all my old friends are. Back in my hometown I have a minimum of four friends that I could call at anytime and they would do what they could to help me. I also have my dad, step-mom, brother and sister-in-law just an hour away from my hometown. I should probably mention that no matter where I decide to live, my mother is going to to follow so at least I got that goin’ for me.
This morning, I woke up at 2am with horrible nausea. Vomiting is, hands down, my least favorite thing and I do everything I can to avoid it. Last night there was no avoiding it. My stomach emptied itself approximately five times over an hour. Just as I would get back to bed and get comfortable, I would have to get up and hurry to the bathroom. Anyone with MS knows exactly how easy it is to maneuver quickly when you are sick. I’m lucky I made it to the toilet each time without tripping. The vomiting made me think about morning sickness. Don’t most pregnant women experience morning sickness and how would I be able to handle that? At 2am I texted my boss to let her know that I was sick since I was supposed to open this morning. I also texted a coworker. At 7am I heard back from my coworker who said she could take my shift. I asked her to call our boss and let her know and she said no problem so I turned off my phone and fell back asleep. In my fuzzy brain, that was enough to officially ‘call in sick’ (I have never called in sick to this job in a year and a half). I woke up again at 9am and had a missed call and an angry voicemail from my boss who apparently was NOT contacted by my coworker so she panicked and went into work only to find my coworker already there. This made me think, again, of how I have no support system here. I’ve been depressed all day thinking about it. I feel like I’m stuck in a nightmare at the moment.
I have a very limited skill set and thought that this job was the answer to that since I can no longer do the physical things I was doing before the MS set in. This job pays very well for what it is and 80% of the time, I absolutely love it. Moving back to my hometown means having to find a new job for both me and Hubby. I rely on Hubby’s benefits for my health insurance so if we move and he changes jobs, there could possibly be a gap in my coverage. Also, I HATE looking for jobs since it mostly just reminds me of all the things I can’t do.
I’m having one of those days where I just wish I was a fucking normal person who didn’t have all these worries.
I have been working a lot so I haven’t been blogging much (I love my job but it takes up a lot of my time!). I’m feeling a little rusty at this blogging thing, so I’m going to get to the point. We are talking about possibly, maybe, having a human child. I have made plans to have my IUD removed and start birth control pills. Long-story-short, I have the IUD with hormones so I have not had my period for four and a half years and the first step to getting pregnant is getting back my monthly flow. As much as this is the LAST thing I want to have back in my life, it is, unfortunately, essential to someday getting pregnant (I’m also hoping that getting my female hormones back on track may increase my sex drive because sex is also essential to getting pregnant).
MS aside, thinking about having a baby is a scary thing. Having MS makes the whole thing a helluva lot more scary. I could go on and on about all the other scary things about having a baby (like integrating it into life with six dogs) but I am going to try and focus on the first step which is starting back on the birth control pill in a few days. Step two? Do not kill my husband or my dogs while I adjust to the hormones, PMS, and cramps.
Wish me luck! Here’s to the next big adventure!