Why is it that I never feel like blogging until things are shitty? Most days I feel fine. Fine for anyone let alone someone with MS. I have a job that keeps me active on my feet all day and where I get to interact with people and talk about things that I am passionate about. I was made manager a few months ago so my pay got a significant increase as well. Things have been plugging along quite nicely.
Hubby and I are revisiting the idea of going off of birth control. We are not dead-set on having a baby but are willing to give it a go for a few months. All of this baby talk has made me very contemplative (which is understandable, right?). I have come to the realization that I have no real friends where I live. Having a baby is a HUGE undertaking and normal, healthy people need help so I figure I am going to need even extra help and I don’t want Hubby to be the only one helping. I don’t have anyone here that I feel comfortable calling if/when I need help. Thinking about it all makes me start crying and wanting to move “home” where all my old friends are. Back in my hometown I have a minimum of four friends that I could call at anytime and they would do what they could to help me. I also have my dad, step-mom, brother and sister-in-law just an hour away from my hometown. I should probably mention that no matter where I decide to live, my mother is going to to follow so at least I got that goin’ for me.
This morning, I woke up at 2am with horrible nausea. Vomiting is, hands down, my least favorite thing and I do everything I can to avoid it. Last night there was no avoiding it. My stomach emptied itself approximately five times over an hour. Just as I would get back to bed and get comfortable, I would have to get up and hurry to the bathroom. Anyone with MS knows exactly how easy it is to maneuver quickly when you are sick. I’m lucky I made it to the toilet each time without tripping. The vomiting made me think about morning sickness. Don’t most pregnant women experience morning sickness and how would I be able to handle that? At 2am I texted my boss to let her know that I was sick since I was supposed to open this morning. I also texted a coworker. At 7am I heard back from my coworker who said she could take my shift. I asked her to call our boss and let her know and she said no problem so I turned off my phone and fell back asleep. In my fuzzy brain, that was enough to officially ‘call in sick’ (I have never called in sick to this job in a year and a half). I woke up again at 9am and had a missed call and an angry voicemail from my boss who apparently was NOT contacted by my coworker so she panicked and went into work only to find my coworker already there. This made me think, again, of how I have no support system here. I’ve been depressed all day thinking about it. I feel like I’m stuck in a nightmare at the moment.
I have a very limited skill set and thought that this job was the answer to that since I can no longer do the physical things I was doing before the MS set in. This job pays very well for what it is and 80% of the time, I absolutely love it. Moving back to my hometown means having to find a new job for both me and Hubby. I rely on Hubby’s benefits for my health insurance so if we move and he changes jobs, there could possibly be a gap in my coverage. Also, I HATE looking for jobs since it mostly just reminds me of all the things I can’t do.
I’m having one of those days where I just wish I was a fucking normal person who didn’t have all these worries.
I have been working a lot so I haven’t been blogging much (I love my job but it takes up a lot of my time!). I’m feeling a little rusty at this blogging thing, so I’m going to get to the point. We are talking about possibly, maybe, having a human child. I have made plans to have my IUD removed and start birth control pills. Long-story-short, I have the IUD with hormones so I have not had my period for four and a half years and the first step to getting pregnant is getting back my monthly flow. As much as this is the LAST thing I want to have back in my life, it is, unfortunately, essential to someday getting pregnant (I’m also hoping that getting my female hormones back on track may increase my sex drive because sex is also essential to getting pregnant).
MS aside, thinking about having a baby is a scary thing. Having MS makes the whole thing a helluva lot more scary. I could go on and on about all the other scary things about having a baby (like integrating it into life with six dogs) but I am going to try and focus on the first step which is starting back on the birth control pill in a few days. Step two? Do not kill my husband or my dogs while I adjust to the hormones, PMS, and cramps.
Wish me luck! Here’s to the next big adventure!
I’ve never been on vacation as an MSer and I’m sitting here thinking of all the fun things I might like to do. Horseback riding has been something that I have been wanting to do again for quite some time but what pops into my head when I visualize us horseback riding? Me peeing my pants or having to make the group stop while I try to find a hidden spot to pee in bushes. Whale watching? Me getting dizzy on the boat and/or peeing my pants. Luckily we will have a rental car so we can go anywhere we want so I’m thinking we will be doing a lot of scenic driving. We will be on Maui for 10 days and I want to have the time of our lives but I can’t stop worrying about all the things that I can’t do or the inconveniences that I could cause (and I REALLY don’t want to piss my pants). If anyone has any suggestions, I am all ears. Hubby is starting to get really excited about our trip and I want to get my freaking out taken care of before we go so I can relax and try to be stress-free on what is our belated honeymoon.
As of March 15, 2012 there will be new ADA regulations in effect for the hotel/motel industry. I love that accessible rooms must be held as last booked rooms and that hotels will be required to have more accessible rooms than they did before. Hopefully it will making booking rooms go much more smoothly for those of us with some extra requirements.
I recently booked my first vacation post-diagnosis and I tried to think about every little detail that I needed to (I’m even planning on checking my baggage which I HATE doing to save some hassle). I wanted an accessible room but I do not need a roll-in shower (hate that they spray water all over the floor…makes it MORE hazardous actually) and I didn’t even know if those existed. I also found that many hotels do not have air conditioning (we’re going to Hawaii). We all know how awful it is for us MSers to get overheated and I REFUSE to take a cold shower or hug a bag of ice on my vacation. We chose our Hawaiian Island based on whether or not the hotel had air conditioning which is a bummer because I REALLY wanted to go to Kauai but the hotel was cooled by “afternoon Hawaiian breezes”. We have timeshare so are already limited on our options of hotels. Also, many of the hotels do not have elevators and the last thing I want to waste my energy on is climbing stairs every day. We had to make a list of our top choices of islands then research which hotels had air conditioning AND elevators. Turns out our only option was Maui.
To able-bodied people this may seem like no big deal. I mean, hey, we are still going to be in Hawaii, right? It only took us about an extra hour of research and maybe one hour on the phone to book our trip. Any “normal” person probably could have picked a destination, jumped online and booked a trip in less tan 30 minutes. On top of all of this, I am going to be having my first public wheelchair experience in the airport. One of best friends who is disabled (cerebral palsy) told me to swallow my pride and get a wheelchair to get me through the bazillion miles of walking at the airport so I have more energy when I get to where I’m going. I’m pretty sure this means we get to board the plane first too which is going to be interesting since I “look so good”.
Overall I’m super excited for our trip and I hope I can actually relax while we are there. There are SO MANY THINGS to worry about but I am going to do my best to stay flexible and keep a good sense of humor. Any tips from the pro travelers out there are much appreciated!
I just sat in the bathroom and cried. Cried for many reasons. Today I fucking hate MS. I hate it for what it has taken from me. I hate it for making me have to work harder than a normal person on daily tasks. I hate that it has taken my energy to do anything other than work. I hate that I have no physical or mental energy left when I get home to spend on my husband. I almost wished I looked crippled so maybe people would remember that I have MS. I’m convinced my husband thinks I’m a lazy slob because I do absolutely nothing to help around the house. I fucking WISH I had the energy to come home from work and clean and vacuum and do laundry. I’m tired of pretending everything is ok. Everything is NOT ok. I have MS. I don’t want to be treated like a cripple but I want people to cut me just a little slack. Accepting the fact that I need a little slack is a tough pill to swallow. I signed up for the Walk MS and my entire fucking family wants to walk and bring their kids. I understand that they want to be supportive but a) I don’t like their kids b) I don’t know if I want all the attention and c) its a new route & that makes me nervous (is it REALLY only two miles or is that just a guess & its actually four like the first year I walked??). I’m not going to be able to act normal after walking a mile and my legs turn to jello & I’m not sure I can even finish the entire walk which puts me (the cripple) on a shuttle bus to the ‘finish’ line. Last year someone on my team actually teased me for ‘cheating’ and only walking one mile and they thought it was funny (there were laps & people could do up to three laps…I did one. Even Hubby was a little irritated).
My emotions are all over the place so this post is a mess…sorry. I mostly needed to vent. My main point is: Fuck you MS. Give me my life back.
It’s been awhile since I’ve posted here. I’ve been working my new job and surviving and actually enjoying it a great deal. This last week has been a doozy though. I worked six straight days and finally have a day off today. I still haven’t told my boss that I have MS and I don’t plan on it anytime soon. I really don’t want to be treated like a cripple at work. We hired a manager and she is pregnant and seeing the way everyone is treating her (sad eyes: “Oh honey, let me lift that for you! You shouldn’t be doing that!”), I don’t want to know how I might treated if everyone knew I was ‘disabled’. So far there is only one task out of hundreds that I cannot do so I prefer to keep my MS to myself for as long as I can.
You may remember this post when I was injured in my own home by own dog? Since then I have never felt completely relaxed in my home. I was constantly watching Big Dog to make sure he wasn’t going to snap again. A couple months ago he attacked another one of our dogs who ended up getting a staple in his leg to close a deep puncture wound. This incident was handled by Hubby and I was not home for it. It happened in the same situation that our dogs are in on a daily basis but this particular day, Big Dog reacted differently. Since then, I was constantly surveying his body language. If Hubby was not home, the Big Dogs (yes, there were two) were not allowed in the house with all the other dogs. One of the Big Dogs is a great dog but the other is unpredictable and dangerous. The Big Dogs are litter mates so anytime Bad Big Dog had to be separate from the others, Good Big Dog had to go with him or they would freak out. Good Big Dog was being punished for no reason other than association.
Tuesday night we had Bad Big Dog put to sleep. I feel a relief that I never thought I could feel. Relief mixed with guilt. My stress level is noticeably lower (which makes my symptoms more manageable) and I don’t feel like I have to be watching the dogs like a hawk anymore. Just now, out in the yard, I had all the dogs outside (Hubby is not home) and one of them found an old, gross rawhide (the best kind in their eyes). Rawhides are the only thing that they normally might get snarky with each other over. I heard a commotion and walked around the corner and Good Big Dog had the rawhide. He had his lips curled and was softly growling since Pit Bull was trying to sniff what he had, but I didn’t get the jump in my stomach that I would have if Bad Big Dog had had the rawhide. I calmly walked over and took the rawhide from Good Big Dog and put it away. No harm, no foul. We continued playing in the yard and all is fine.
I have not told many people that we had our dog put to sleep because I do not want to hear their opinions and judgements. I have a an eight year background working with dogs and consulted many dog professionals before we came to the conclusion that we did. Having MS is difficult enough without having to worry about being strong enough to break up a dog fight, especially in my own home where I am supposed to be safe. One of the reasons I had to quit the dog walking and training business was because I did not feel physically strong enough anymore to handle whatever situation might come up. If you are interested in seeing the graphic pictures of what Bad Big Dog did to me, they are here (this is right after it happened), here (my leg right after it happened), here (after they cleaned it up at the hospital), here (the bottom side of my arm) and here (after it was stitched up)*. He bit clean through my arm and I will have the scars to prove it for the rest of my life.
On top of physical exhaustion this week, I am also dealing with emotional exhaustion. Today was supposed to be Dog Park Day for a couple of our pooches but I can barely motivate myself to get off the couch…..
*Apparently with Image Shack photo hosting, you can ‘share’ these pictures. Please refrain from sharing my pictures. I would greatly appreciate it. I wanted to give readers a choice of whether or not they had to see the graphic photos, so I used a hosting site instead of posting them here.
Richard Cohen and Meredith Vieira are my favorite people today. Watch this interview with them about their life living with MS.
Today, I am not going to to fear the future.
